Woke at 9 and then sat at work at 10. Worked from 10-12.40 and then from 1.40-8. then from 10-11
From 3-8 I did some planning work and research. And in the morning also 1 hour I spent in some research. But I did work.
Anyway I did paint and and did mix a lot of different colors. If I keep at it my brushstrokes will improve I feel.
Woke up late. Sat to work at 11 and read a brief and searched references and all. Did illustrator and then had lunch at 1
Sat to work at 2. Set up a life painting thing. My first time painting from an actual object in front of me. Did that till 4. And after that read book and took a 20 mins nap. After which I ate did exercise stuff.
Sat to work at 7 and cleared my still life setup and did figure studies.
From then on I am basically not feeling like doing anything so I am watching some educational videos.
Yep still alive. So yeah
Still struggling and tears running and motivation drying.
20-2-21 & 21-2-21
Spent most of the 20th working on a plan( I have the degree of an architect. Why? I don’t knw)
Things were bad in my head and everything motivation thing couldn’t help me.
I am struggling to gather an ounce of positivity and will to live. I thought about death, not clearly but I dont see any point in continuing. Am I just giving up? Yeah maybe
Things like this are hard for other people to understand. I watched a film yesterday called the last shaman in which a person like me goes into a crazy place and eventually finds someone. Had I been in his place I would have given up the first time I got screwed over. But he continues and finds peace with himself. Good for him.
Also I casted my first vote yesterday. Yay
I have been struggling a lot and the person I talk to has been having a hard time understanding me. I feel I am a burden to him although he completely denies it and calls me crazy to think so. I do have tears running down. What good are they doing. Nothing really. I am hardly seeing any future and to be in the present is not possible because I keep thinking of the future of what will I do what good am I?
I am shattered right now. Nothing is helping . Let’s see what will I do.
Start day of things going bad.